Strippers and Blow on Aisle 12, Please

How hard is it to get a Hollywood scandal in 2011? It really must be the end of days.

So far, the best thing we've had is an engagement announcement from Jesse James and Kat Man D. I'm not impressed. Fast forward a few months and we'll find out that Kat caught James with three tattooed hookers and some blow. Rumors will begin to swirl that they are divorcing after 12 days of holy matrimony and there's a 62% chance she's pregnant.

Been there, seen that. Have the DVD collection to prove it.

Yesterday we learned that Charlie Sheen was rushed to the hospital for a hernia after partying with porn stars all night. That is SO 2010!

And where is Tiger Woods? Don't tell me he's been behaving himself and focusing on his golf game instead of taking home strippers?! Even Lindsay has been behaving herself since she got out of Betty Ford. Give me a break, people.

Every day I comb the celebrity gossip headlines searching for f-ups to entertain you. It is now almost February and I've had nothing to rant about besides how many forms of hepatitis Jesse James and Kat Man D may share.

I had more scandal at my goodbye party in San Francisco when I tried to whip my hair back and forth.

I was most disappointed today when I got news of a celebrity dye job. Ashlee Simpson reportedly bleached her hair platinum blonde and Us Weekly decided to send an email update all about it.

Since when did it become news that a pseudo celebrity found out what peroxide does? Especially one who can't even spell her name right. AshlEE? C'mon. That's just unnecessary.

In an ideal world, I will soon report to you all that Elton John is actually straight, Justin Bieber is really a lesbian in disguise and the Octomom is pregnant with Richard Simmons' baby. And they are having triplets.

Until then, enjoy the peace in Tinseltown because it is bound to end within a week.

How Many Tattoos Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?

Courtesy: celebritysmackblog.com

Is everyone up-to-date with their hepatitis vaccines? I certainly hope so. Because Jesse James and Kat Von D are combining their disease-ridden forces to say "I do".

Merely seven months after James' divorce from Sandra Bullock - who he infamously desecrated after news of his multiple infidelities became public - James, 41, has popped the question to Kat Von D. Von D, 28, has since taken to Twitter to tout how much she loves love and what her relationship with James has taught her about maturity and partnerships.

Unless she admits that James has taught her nothing more than how to tattoo yourself in your sleep, I call bullsh!t.

The two began dating publicly five months ago. Rumors began swirling quickly thereafter about James' supposed new infidelities, Von D's jealousy over James purchasing a house in Austin simply to be near Bullock, and how the two were struggling with their long distance relationship (Von D lives permanently in Los Angeles, a major disservice to all city residents including myself).

But somehow this crazy couple has found a way to make it work. The two announced yesterday via Twitter that their engagement was, in fact, real. Von D flashed a bauble that is hard to see on top of her 17 hand tattoos. James released "artsy" photos of his lady love on his Twitter page to show how much he cared.

This will be James' fourth mistake marriage, if it actually comes to pass. First wife, Karla James, is the mother of one of his kids. He then married a porn star (aka baby mama #2) followed by Bullock. Von D is the latest in a string of poor decisions with more to come, I'm sure.

The only person who could truly be happy about this engagement is Tiger Woods. James successfully turned America's attention away from the golfer when the news of his addiction to finding sex partners via MySpace surfaced.

But don't think you're out of the woods yet, Tiger. I've got my eye on you.

In the meantime, everyone in LA should keep their penicillin stash handy just in case you come into accidental contact with James or Von D. If there is any humanity, they should be sterilized within the month.

Hangin' Tough in the New Year

Happy New Year to all my little dirt dish-ees!! I would say I've missed you, but we all know I had way too much egg nog over the holidays to miss much of anything.

Credit: JustJared

Apparently, Hollywood has been at somewhat of a standstill in my absence as well. Sure - Hugh Hefner got engaged to a woman 60 years his junior (the Heffer is 84 while his fiancée is a 24 year old blushing-bride-to-be).

And yes, Reese Witherspoon virtually pimp slapped Jake Gyllenhaal after debuting her 4-carat sparkler from now fiancée, Jim Toth. After being dumped by Witherspoon, Jakey moved on to Taylor Swift only to announce their break up a mere day or two into the new year.

But all of that is child's play for La La Land during the holiday season! Where was Charlie Sheen with a bevy of prostitutes in some seedy Las Vegas strip joint? Why did Lindsay Lohan appear to be disarmingly sober when exiting a gym after being discharged from her stint at Betty Ford? How did Jesse James avoid being photographed during his weekly injection of penicillin*?

I was shocked and appalled at Hollywood's tame approach to the holidays. Even Natalie Portman's announcement that she's knocked up didn't do anything to stir the starlet pot.

Are we simply numb to the goings-on of celebrity life? Will it take a scandal of Tiger Woods proportion to kick some intrigue back into the gossip scene?

I, for one, am not going to wait for another athlete to text inappropriate photos of their embarrassingly small member to get excited about the new year. Why, you ask? Because Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve brought something very important to my attention.

**Drum roll please**

New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys (lovingly referred to as "NKOTBSB") are going on tour beginning June 2011!!! 

If that doesn't knock your socks off, I don't know what will.

Credit: JustJared

You don't have to ask me twice to Step by Step my way back into some Backstreet-charged enthusiasm. NKOTBSB's pre-ball drop performance was a monumental occasion. Screams were heard around the world as they took the stage (by "around the world" I mean primarily from my hoarse lungs). Now, all I have to figure out is how to bankroll my new occupation as professional groupie and attend every performance on their tour.

This past Christmas, I asked Santa for a buffet of men to choose from in the new year. And he delivered NKOTBSB.

Thank you, Santa. And thank you, world. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

*Merely conjecture based upon Jesse James' proclivity for diseased-looking "love interests"