Trick or Treat: Someone Needs to Egg the Kardashians

Credit: sawfnews.com

This just in: the Kardashians have created yet another staged media opportunity to whore themselves out to America.

Today's news of Kim and Kris's pending divorce has "shocked" the nation. After only 72 days of bliss, the newlyweds are calling it quits in the only way they know how - by releasing a statement to the press.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: The Kardashians are a blight on humanity. And yet, we keep talking about them because they are everywhere.


Nothing is sacred in this world anymore. From Dancing with the Stars ("Stars" being very loosely defined by the program's casting agents) to Sears, the average Joe is hard pressed to go through their day without being bombarded with Kardashian-related "news".

If one of them produces an unattractive child (sorry Kourtney and Scott, but let's call a spade a spade here - your kid could be cuter), it makes headline news in the New York Times. If one of them beds a basketball player (or several), you can't get through your morning drive to work without hearing it everywhere from Ryan Seacrest radio to NPR.

And heaven forbid one of them should get married - even President Obama's economic plan in the middle of a recession can't get as many media hits.

While Somalians are in the midst of famine and hurricane Katrina victims are still homeless, the Kardashians were spending $10 million dollars on a wedding of a lifetime. In reality TV-land, a "lifetime" clearly translates to 8-10 weeks.

To break it down for you, their wedding-to-married-life ratio equates to $138,888 per day for their sham union.

I hope that Kardashian fans finally wake up and realize that every second spent idolizing these fame whores is a second they will never get back, no matter how many porn tapes they release trying to "make it big" like Kim.

The soon-to-be-former Mr. Kardashian, Kris Humphries, put it best in this telling conversation with his betrothed:

"How am I going to have my career and live in Minnesota?" Kim asks Kris when he suggests they move to his hometown.

 His response?

 "Baby, by the time you have kids and they're in school, nobody will probably care about you."

Kris is clearly a man ahead of his time. Hopefully he's learned his lesson and won't start dating Lindsay Lohan after his divorce is finalized.

Kim - enjoy your mediocrity while you can. Eventually, your ass will deflate and your "career" will closely follow.

Hef Defends His Manhood

Credit: TheNewsInn.com

Hef won't take this lying down.

In a pathetic excuse for attention interview with Howard Stern this week, Crystal Harris (Hugh Hefner's lackluster ex-fiance) challenged Hef's abilities in the sack when she so eloquently stated, "[It lasted] like, two seconds."

Spoiler alert: When you sleep with a man 60 years your senior, it may not be the best you've ever had.

In another shocking revelation, Harris told Stern that she simply wasn't turned on by Hugh. Color me surprised but how could she not be turned on by the alluring smell of prunes and Bengay?

Being the online mogul that he is, Hef took to Twitter to plead his case, saying that Crystal lied (probably not though) and he doesn't know why (because she's a fame whore). He also enlightened his Twitter followers by saying that after Harris broke off the engagement, he realized she probably didn't love him after all.

Clearly, these two deserve each other.

If she's truly in shock that her fiance/great grandfather lacked sex appeal, then the self-applied peroxide she uses is even more dangerous than I thought. And if Hef believed his Barbie-turned-hoebag ex ever saw him as anything other than an ATM machine, his kids should officially declare him legally incompetent.

But let's not miss the real point here. These two kids made a go at love and were burned in the end. Because...if the owner of Playboy and a pinup/aspiring-Britney-Spears-look-alike can't make it in this crazy world, who really can?

Oh wait. All of us.

Advice time: Crystal, go buy yourself a battery-operated Hef and stop complaining about his lack of pep in bed. And Hugh, since you already have two new girlfriends, methinks you're A-OK.

In other "shocking" Hollywood news this week, Jesse James and Kat Von D broke off their engagement, citing distance (and not hepatitis) as the reason why they couldn't make it.

I'll write more when I start to care. But I'm guessing that may be never.

OJ Simpson Part II: The Casey Anthony Edition

The SomeEcard to my left really says it all.

I've never been a huge CNN fan. And I really can't say I've ever watched a full episode of "Nancy Grace". But her post-trial comments on the Casey Anthony verdict really did hit the nail on the head:

"As the defense sits by and has their champagne toast after that 'not guilty' verdict, somewhere out there the devil is dancing tonight."

In several recent interviews, Anthony's attorney has lambasted the media for its scrutiny and condemnation of Casey "before the facts were even presented." Let's review some of the facts that caused such a media uproar:

• Baby Caylee was missing for over a month before anyone in her family reported her gone
• During that time, Casey was seen partying and getting a tattoo that read "Bella Vita" (beautiful life) - would her life have been as beautiful if she actually missed her daughter?
• Casey searched for chloroform on her computer - seems a lot more menacing than my "Justin Bieber" Google alerts
• Casey's own mother testified to something "smelling like death" in Casey's car, shortly after Caylee went missing
• Casey made up a nanny - named "Zanny" - as a person of interest. Not only did this person not exist, Casey's lack of creativity in naming the fake nanny is a crime in of itself

But her lawyer must be right...we're all just judgmental media whores.

Although her parents stood by throughout the trial, they silently left the courtroom without speaking to Casey after the not guilty verdict was read. Even they couldn't stand to smile in the face of a lie.

But I take solace in the fact that Casey will reap what she's sown. OJ Simpson thought he got away with murder and now he's serving life behind bars for a Vegas armed robbery. Smart.

We just celebrated the 4th of July and America's independence as a great nation. We're told from a young age that we have the best of everything - the best army (and we do), the best government, and the best justice system. But this verdict makes me question that last assertion.

I'll admit that the evidence was circumstantial. But sometimes circumstantial is all you need to know that 2 plus 2 equals "holy shit, this woman killed her daughter."

Call me crazy, but if my kid went missing for any length of time, I'd perhaps stop what I was doing to look around. Misplacing a kid isn't like losing a remote control. You can't just call up Time Warner, ask for a new one, and go clubbing while you wait for the replacement to arrive in the mail.

Unfortunately, Casey isn't the first murderer to go free and she won't be the last. But she will be one of the most abhorred women in America, if she isn't already.

It's a sad day in hell when you can say Britney Spears is not the worst mother out there. So congratulations, Britney. And Casey - I hope you become barren for the good of all mankind.

A Gentleman Never Tells

Credit: Sunny1069.com

Which means Shia LaBeouf is unclassiness personified. Not to mention, thoroughly unattractive.

Here's a little peek into why this guy is on my gross list -

In the newest issue of Details magazine, Shia announced that he and Megan Fox "hooked up" while filming 'Transformers' together. In case you forget what these two actors look like, please reference Megan's hotness in the picture to your right, along with Shia's (and I'm being generous here) C-level looks.

Clearly he knew somebody in Hollywood to get to where he is today because it certainly wasn't based on his face or winning personality.

But I digress.

I usually try not to be this catty (humor me) but Shia really ticked me off. When asked by Details if Megan was actively dating now-husband Brian Austin Green at the time of the alleged hook up, LaBeouf sputtered his way through a response and effectively left the question open-ended.

What could he possibly have to gain by announcing this now? From my humble years in PR, this is just a cheap ploy to promote 'Transformers 3'. Although, as Fox isn't even in it, I could think of better ways to pump up box office sales.

LaBeouf also doesn't take into account that this news could unnecessarily damage Fox and Green's marriage for the sole benefit of making himself seem like a pimp.

Again, please reference the above photograph and revert back to your judgmental high school days. For me, these days never ended.

In a high school scenario, I'd equate Fox with the captain of the cheer squad (indeed, she played this role in "Jennifer's Body" - terrible film but entertaining to watch whilst hungover).

LaBeouf would be the captain of the film club who spent his Friday nights alphabetizing his rock collection.

I'm not dissing film clubs or rock collections. I'm dissing the fact that Shia LaBeouf has the audacity to brag about a private matter that happened years ago in order to "transform" himself into a cool kid who gets the ladies.

If Megan Fox was bored enough to hook up with him, he should thank his lucky stars and move on. Clearly, she was embarrassed (and most likely, disappointed) enough by the encounter that she never told anyone. He should have gotten the hint.

But instead he pulls this John Mayer-like move of talking too much and making himself look like a d-bag.

John Mayer was so criticized for his inappropriate commentary on the women he "dated" that he had to cancel his Twitter account. LaBeouf should take a page from Mayer's book and cancel his public speaking engagements all together.

At least Mayer can sing - LaBeouf just chases around CGI robots in the hopes that one of them doesn't wise up and shoot him in the face.

I digress. Yet again.

I'm not even a particularly big Megan Fox fan. She's not one of the brightest actresses of our time, but I can admit that she's a knock out. And way out of LaBeouf's league.

I get miffed when people try to piggyback off of others in order to achieve stardom. It's cheap and it never lasts - just asks the 112 women Tiger Woods slept with. Can you name any of them now?

Didn't think so.

It's at this point in my blog where I give sage advice to the celebrity offender about how to fix their most recent social gaffe. Except I have no advice for LaBeouf - I simply want him to disappear and take his dirty goatee with him.

Clearly, Megan Fox decided one night to slum it and - many tequila shots later - LaBeouf was the closest thing to a man in the nearby vicinity.

And for that, Shia should shut his piehole and be forever grateful.

They Nabbed 'Whitey'

Credit: Boston.com

The world could use a few more mob bosses.

James "Whitey" Bulger, the infamous mob boss who inspired Jack Nicholson's character in 'The Departed', was scooped up by the FBI last night in Santa Monica, CA after 16 years on the run.

When was the last time you heard someone refer to being "on the lam"? For me, it was just this morning when Matt Lauer shared the Whitey-nabbing story on the TODAY show.

That 20th-century term for fugitives on the run needs to be brought back into our modern day vernacular in a big way.

Bulger, who is set to appear in court on Thursday, faces charges of murder, conspiracy to commit murder, narcotics distribution, extortion and money laundering.

Throw in conspiracy to steal sports memorabilia and he sounds a lot like O.J. Simpson.

I'm not embarassed to admit that I watch the soap opera 'General Hospital' on quite the regular basis. One of the principal characters - Michael "Sonny" Corinthos - is a legendary mob boss in the little town of Port Charles, NY. Without him, the town (and show) would be nothing.

But besides Whitey, who can remember hearing about a real-life mob boss banging around on his private island? Despite what the folks on 'Mob Wives' tell you, mob bosses are a dying breed and I, for one, am saddened because of it.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not trivializing murder or asking for mobsters to be given a free pass. But wouldn't the world be a slightly more entertaining place if we had more old school mob bosses running the joint?

I'm not thinking throwing-people-off-rooftops mobsters (although if they deserve it, what can ya do?), more like crazy-party-throwing, feather-in-fedora-wearing mobsters.

The same guys who will open up a cancer wing at a hospital just after roughing up someone for not paying their gambling debt. Or the guys who conduct business in the back of their "legit" Italian restaurants while chainsmoking Cuban cigars.

Those are the guys we need more of. Modern day criminals are just pansies.

I'm particularly saddened that Whitey was living basically in my backyard and I didn't get to even meet him. He was hiding out in a penthouse apartment just blocks from the beach while the Feds were chasing fake leads in Santorini. That's a guy I can get behind.

Whitey is 81 now and has definitely passed into the golden years of his life. I think he has enough connections in prison that he'll be just fine finishing out his days behind bars.

Just give him a pack of smokes to trade in for a shank and a hooker and call it a day.

Back Off My Boy

Credit: Bittenandbound.com

Forbes put it best when they said that there are two distinct camps: those who like LeBron James and those who don't. And each group is just as batshit crazy as the other (myself included).

"King James" is, perhaps, hated even more today then he was at the beginning of the NBA Finals. He touted himself as the best but played like a mediocre knock off of what he claimed to be.

As an ardent fan of James, I'll be the first to admit that he was off his game during this crucial series. The fourth-quarter-wonder that we are so used to seeing seemed to flounder during the last four out of six games against the Dallas Mavs. And James' excuse of "Sometimes you got it, sometimes you don't" falls short of truly explaining what happened to the 26-year-old phenom out on the court.

In the end, the anti-LeBron fervor is directly attributed to his arrogance as a player. But I challenge you to name one legendary basketball player whose arrogance hasn't come to light.

Michael Jordan, albeit a fantastic player, was one of the most conceited people around during the Chicago Bulls' reign. Magic Johnson's arrogance led him to believe that his sexual philandering would have no ultimate consequences. I believe most people can still remember Kobe's forced attrition after the Lakers' losses this season.

In fact, LBJ's arrogance is probably what helped him get to where he is today - in addition to his talent, of course. And he hasn't even reached the height of his potential.

A friend of mine (hey, James!) said, "Personally, I think he stopped playing hard when things werent going his way and the team wasn't playing on his terms... He doesnt really have the competitive edge that the other greats did."

I have to agree to disagree on that one. Because if LeBron is one of the greatest players of our time, how could he possibly lack a strong competitive edge? Isn't it that same edge that has taken him to the Finals twice in his still young career?

I'd like to especially place on emphasis on the fact that his career is still young. Despite the numerous corporate endorsements and his overexposure as a player, LeBron hasn't been around half as long as the Dirk Nowitski's of the world. And yet, his talent shines through to an extent that we truly haven't seen since the Michael Jordan era.

At the end of the day, LeBron didn't play in the Finals like a champion and, therefore, did not win the championship. But it wasn't his arrogance that tripped him up - it was his lack thereof.

The knowledge that he's great won't keep him from getting inside his own head. When he should have charged the basket, he hesitated. When he should have run the ball, he passed to a lesser player.

LeBron is still figuring himself out like we all are. And I think it's shameful of the media and the NBA's often spiteful fans to try to tear him down when it's the love of the sport that wakes these players up everyday.

LeBron has returned home to think about the mistakes he's made and figure out a game plan for next year. In the meantime, DeShawn Stevenson and his Dirk-loving league of followers need to take a step back and assess their own actions before criticizing one of the greatest players in the NBA.

How does your Dirk taste? Maybe you should go ask your mom.

Walks of Shame - Awards Show Edition

Credit: Getty Photos/TMZ.com

The fashion police need to slow their roll.

Last night's 2011 MTV Movie Awards featured several hilarious highlights including Rob Pattinson locking lips with Taylor Lautner (for non-Twi-hards, Taylor is a male actor); Jason Sudeikis making fun of Selena Gomez for dating a guy (read: Justin Bieber) who still has his baby teeth; and Reese Witherspoon calling out reality stars for sex taping their way into the Hollywood spotlight.

Well done, MTV. You made a hit production that, fortunately, had nothing to do with pregnant 16 year olds.

But now, some media are focusing on hair do's as a big gossip item of the night. Specifically, Reese Witherspoon, Kristen Stewart and Chelsea Handler (pic above) who had "walk of shame" hair on their big night out.

For realz, TMZ.com?? I take issue with this for several reasons:

#1 - (and straight guys reading this, help me out here) I think all these ladies looked hot. Even Kristen, who I can't stand as a person.

#2 - What's so bad about walk of shame hair? Did these "experts" miss out on their college years? If you didn't have at least one walk of shame under your belt by the end of your freshman year, you were a failure at life.

#3 - All of these ladies being criticized are attached to a hot man. Reese is a new bride to manager Jim Toth. Kristen is dating Rob Pattinson (damn her!). And Chelsea Handler has her first non-rapper boyfriend in over a year.

You go, girls.

So perhaps their "walk of shame" hair is, in fact, due to pre-award show activities of the naughty variety. And if so, three cheers to them. Clearly the staff at TMZ aren't getting any themselves due to their celebrity-stalker lifestyles and, ergo, find it necessary to criticize those who do.

In LA, it's hard to do a walk of shame because you're always in your car. But, as schedules permit, I will proudly roll down my windows and shout my indiscretions to the world during my next drive of shame. Crazy hair, smeared makeup, hazy memories and all.

Can I get a high five to poor decisions?

"Man Down" Video Causes an Uproar

So Rihanna shoots a dude and everyone gets all bajiggidy about it.

That's the crux of the current uproar around Rihanna's new music video "Man Down". 

To add some context, the video begins with Rihanna shooting a man point blank on the street. However, we come to realize as the story continues that he raped her the day before outside of a club.

Heavy stuff.

Now watchdog groups are in a tizzy over the video, saying that it condones violence and aggression. Some genius even went as far as saying that there's a double standard because a similar video from Chris Brown would never be tolerated.

Let's not get crazy, y'all. Would Chris Brown ever put out a video depicting his rape and subsequent revenge? Highly unlikely.

Of course, if Brown had a song about busting a cap in a girl's a$$ just because she didn't like his ill dance moves, there would be a public uproar. But that's not the case here.

Maybe it's because I was a Women & Gender Studies major in college, but I get what Rihanna is saying. This pop princess is taking a step away from her "Pon de Replay" and "Please Don't Stop The Music" days to sing about a real issue that happens to hundreds - perhaps thousands - of women worldwide every day.

Rihanna isn't condoning an eye for an eye here. She's expressing the need for women to take control of a horrific situation - gaining power back when you thought you had none. Yes, she chose to shoot her attacker but it's just a music video. It's a safe, artistic place where one can express themselves in ways that they couldn't, or wouldn't, in real life.

What happened to using art as a creative outlet? Did the Parents Television Council forget that when they were lambasting Rihanna for her soulful single? Apparently so.

Sometimes I think these groups make public statements just for the sake of doing so. The Council screamed like the world was ending when Britney Spears' "I'm a Slave" video was released. It was "too sexually suggestive for young audiences."

Yes, Britney was in a hot, orgy-like situation throughout the video but she was also balancing a snake and changing her costume several times between scenes. If anything, they should have been applauding her for her ability to multitask instead of focusing so much on the group sex aspect of the video.

George Michael's "I Want Your Sex" video caused quite a stir back in the day as well. But guess what, guys? He's gay. So in actuality, I highly doubt he wanted that girl's sex. Fantasy at its best.

In the end, the Parents Television Council and all other watchdog groups out there need to find another hobby. Just because you put out press releases about "naughty" music videos doesn't mean your kids will actually listen to you. They'll keep buying mp3s on iTunes and watching videos online after you go to bed.

What, you have parental controls on your home computer? Guess what - your kids disabled it before you even figured out how to use the feature.

All parents can do is take their kids on regular trips to Disneyland and hope they turn out alright. But make sure they don't cry while in line for the Dumbo ride because I will stick out my foot and trip them. That's a promise.

Rihanna's music video is empowering and very moving. I applaud her for creating it and, politely, suggest that these watchdog groups take a xanax and move on.

When Stars Collide - And Why They Shouldn't

Credit: Giant Magazine

Some collaborations are great - Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney, Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby, anything ever sung by Finn and Rachel together on Glee.

And some collaborations are an affront to humanity.

Enter: Justin Bieber and Chris Brown - joining forces on TWO songs.

The world weeps.

Up until now, I could confidently say as a certified PR guru that Justin Bieber's career has been managed flawlessly. He skyrocketed to fame and crafted an adorable - even somewhat mischievous - image overnight, shattering records of music legends like Stevie Wonder and The Beatles.

So one would think his handlers would be smart enough to know when to pull the plug on a terrible idea.

I don't think I'm alone in thinking that Chris Brown is a total douchebag. Don't get me wrong - I'm all about forgiveness:

• Show up half an hour late to dinner? I'll survive.
• Forget to call me on my birthday? Buy me something pretty and we'll call it even.
• Beat me to a bloody pulp ala Chris Brown's documented abuse of Rihanna? I'm going to put foot to ass and make you eat your nutsack for breakfast, lunch AND dinner.

Given the scale of forgiveness I just laid out, Chris Brown is not high on my "turn the other cheek" list. Nor is America, given the loads of negative publicity he receives to this day.

Let's not forget his recent temper tantrum on Good Morning America when Robin Roberts merely mentioned the Rihanna incident.

I'll be the first to admit that his latest singles have a catchy beat. I found myself bopping along in the car one morning until I realized that "Chris Breezy" was code for Douchebag Brown. Then I quickly changed the station to Ryan Seacrest's soothing rant about why he loves royal weddings.

Clearly Brown is trying to repair his image by capitalizing on Justin's insanely huge fan base. And apparently Justin is too naive/starstuck/young to know any better.

But when it comes down to it, I love Justin Bieber WAY too much to ever give him up. However, the fact that he's blindly partnering with Chris Brown for his new album makes me question what my little Biebs is thinking.

The Bieber has even been quoted as saying that Rihanna is one of his #1 celebrity crushes. Way to croon out a ballad with the guy who pimpslapped her beyond recognition, JB.

I'm not mad - I'm disappointed. No one is perfect, not even my favorite tween sensation. But I expected more from him.

They teach you in church to love the sinner but not the sin. And, technically, my love for a 17-year-old is also a sin, at least according to most state laws.

So, let's just call this a wash?

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver's Marriage: Terminated



Credit: 1.bp.blogspot.com



OK well maybe not "terminated", but their separation after 25 years of marriage certainly doesn't look good.

Arnold and Maria released a statement asking for the compassion and respect from the media and public regarding their split. I'm sorry but when you marry "The Terminator", there's only so much respect one can hope for.

No one likes to see marriages break up (exception: ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds - thank goodness that one's over!) My heart does go out to their family and legions of bipartisan married couples who figured "Maria and Arnold can make their political differences work, so why can't we?"

Whoopsies on that one - never model your marriage after a guy who won Mr. Universe.

The TODAY show mentioned that Maria's life/career is in flux now that she's no longer California's First Lady. But while she's deciding her next move, Arnold has already signed on for three new movie projects including a geriatric version of the "Terminator", where his biomechanic frame will most likely be hobbling around on crutches for the majority of the film.

Unfortunately for Maria - because she is brilliant, beautiful, and a Kennedy - her stock has plummeted since she married Arnold. She's well-respected as a journalist, but I can't imagine a long line of eligble bachelors waiting to take her out for fondue after being married to Arnold for 25 years. Who can possibly follow that one, good or bad?

I feel so terribly about this that I decided to make a list of potential suitors for Maria to help her get back on her feet. They include:

• Donald Trump - Maria can clearly handle being married to a Republican and she would do wonders for his reputation. Not to mention the fact that she's the only one with balls big enough to snatch that disgusting toupee right off his head. Yes, he's married, but to a child so it's about time he finds an adult-sized wife for himself.
• Charlie Sheen - He's one goddess down and could definitely use a little Kennedy pick-me-up. With her media appeal and his tiger blood, they would be unstoppable.
• Lindsay Lohan - Technically, Maria doesn't play for Lindsay's team. But who doesn't like a little experimentation once in a while? And Lindsay is about to be sentenced to house arrest for 120 days so she has plenty of free time to court Maria like a lady.
• Al Gore - Do I even have to explain this one? He's single, she's single, and they'd make beautiful eco-friendly, feminist babies together. This is the best inconvenient truth they could ever ask for.

With a reputation as a womanizer, I have no recommendations for Arnold's dating life. Other than the fact that he should never return to politics and, instead, focus on remaking some of his Oscar-worthy classics like "Kindergarten Cop".

Hasta la vista.

Chafed by The Donald

Although this is a celebrity gossip blog, I find myself needing to take a step into the political world for my latest rant. You could argue that since this post is mainly about the producer of "Celebrity Apprentice", I'm not straying too far from the fold.

Last night, I watched a nearly 30-minute segment on CNN that featured an extensive interview with Anderson Cooper and Donald Trump about - you guessed it - President Obama's birth certificate.

It turns out that even when Hawaii submitted Obama's official birth record, it was not in a format that pleased The Donald. Instead of a "birth certificate" it was a "certificate of live birth", which Trump claims can be manufactured by any Tom-Dick-or-dumba$$ with a notary stamp, pen and - oh wait - permission from the state of Hawaii to certify such an official and entirely legal document.

Please turn to your neighbor now and say, "The Donald can suck it".

Trump continued on in the interview to say that further proof of a conspiracy can be found in the fact that Obama's birth announcement came out in the local newspaper eight days after he was born.

Why the delay? Because, as the newspaper and CNN were both quick to point out, birth announcements were made only once a week on Sundays and the President was born on a Friday. ALL babies born that day were in the following week's paper due to a baby backlog.

Which I believe, because who wouldn't want to get knocked up in Hawaii?? I bet their birth rate is through the roof.

The most disheartening thing about this travesty of a "news" story is that when Trump first came on the scene as a presidential candidate, no one really took him seriously. Now, polls show Trump neck-in-neck with Huckabee for the #1 spot on the Republican ticket.

And what is the big difference between Trump's debut and now? His one-man witch hunt for the President's birth certificate as his campaign platform. This means that many Americans are truly stupid enough to buy into this non-story and base their voting decision on prejudice, racism and lies.

I say racism not because President Obama is black, but because Trump claimed one reason the President may have for "hiding" his birth certificate is that it would prove he's Muslim.

And maybe I'll get shot for saying this, but what is wrong with being Muslim? Not all Muslims planned 9/11 - it was a group of heartless radicals who also happened to be Muslim.

Shall we go back in history to name all the batshit crazy Christians who did terrible things? If one Buddhist decides to go whacky, should we march over to Tibet and bomb everyone in sight? I don't think so.

I'm disgusted for several reasons but will highlight only two for the sake of brevity:

#1 - The fact that Donald Trump thinks he's fit to run anything outside of his real estate empire and LaToya Jackson's business training on "Celebrity Apprentice" is not only arrogant, it's vile and insults my stance as a pseudo-intellectual.

#2 - The fact that people are actually buying into his propaganda means that, in fact, our country did not wise up after electing George W. Bush not once but TWICE and we deserve to fry in hell as a nation.

There's nothing left for me to say here aside from shame on you, Donald. You would be much better off getting wasted with your 17th wife - who is the same age as your daughter - instead of wasting Anderson Cooper's (and my) time with nonsensical interviews.

No, I won't vote for you. And I will make it a personal mission to slap anyone in the face who does.

I'm going to go throw up in my mouth now.

Switching Teams

Credit: media.onsugar.com

There is a distinct possibility that my love for The Biebs is turning me into a lesbian.

While I pride myself on being Miss Gay America and understanding that gays and lesbians are "Born This Way", I do think I'm an exception in that I was born straight and am now considering alternative options.

Supporting evidence:

1. Miley Cyrus recently performed on Saturday Night Live and did an excellent impression of Justin Bieber (even I had to admit she was good, though she was clearly mocking him). What I also had to admit was that I was oddly attracted to Cyrus throughout the entire skit.
2. This girl looks so much like The Biebs that she wrote a song about it, which has since gone viral. And without sounding like a pedophile, I kind of dig her too.
3. Most of you are probably familiar with this #winner already -http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/. Yes, those are lesbians and yes, they look like a 17-and-one-month-year-old-young-man (my parole officer suggests that I don't refer to him as a "boy" to avoid jail time...)
4. I'm an avid fan of Showtime's lesbian drama "The L Word" (although that's been the case for years, even when I was engaged to a man)

As you can see, the evidence is staggering. Of course, I prefer the real thing over any female imposter as no one can truly croon "Somebody to Love" the way my Biebs does - although points go to the Glee cast for trying (video below).

But alas, I find myself considering the alternative more and more these days as female Bieber imposters keep popping up all over the grid. Soon, you'll find me at Tegan & Sara concerts wearing a T-shirt with Samantha Ronson's face on it. Or me on Samantha Ronson's face, whichever comes first.

I can't say that I'm even really bothered by the prospect. One of my best friends is a lesbian (hey Meggie!) and I've been hitting on her for years. Maybe I was Born This Way and didn't even realize it - it took Justin Bieber to help me accept who I am.  

Luckily, I'm close to West Hollywood and can make my team-switching declaration amongst peers.

If only Ellen were still single...

Who Lets These People Procreate?

Credit: beat.bodog.com

Just in case you thought the world wasn't dumb enough, news broke today that Kevin Federline has sperminated his latest girlfriend.

Translation: KFed is about to bring his FIFTH child into the world - a little tyke who is bound to be a wife beater-wearing, Papo Zao-singing, fantastically gifted new member of society.

With a daddy like KFed, how could you possibly go wrong?

This latest news inspires me to ask two simple questions:

#1 - Who voluntarily chooses to have sex with KFed??

#2 - Why is he allowed to procreate??

For those of you who are still wondering how George W. Bush won a second term in office, it's because people like this spawn 7-10 children each and allow them to vote. If I weren't so busy buying up Coach purses on eBay, I would send KFed a check to get his sac snipped by the end of the week.

I get why Britney had two kids by him. She can barely walk across a stage without assistance, much less figure out how birth control works.

But shouldn't this new baby mama, Victoria Prince, know better? Please don't tell me she's stupid enough to think that some of Britney's alimony will go towards her unborn baby's future. Clearly KFed spends that money every month on an unlimited supply of Krispy Kreme donuts, which explains his beautifully toned physique as seen above.

I'm almost as disappointed in America today as I was after the 2004 election. For this child's sake, I hope his mother gets full custody and moves a minimum of 14,000 miles away from KFed (read: the planet formerly known as Pluto) in order for this kid to have a shot at life.

But since that's highly unlikely, we must hope for the second best option. That Brangelina find it in their hearts to adopt Baby KFed #5 into their overflowing brood.

A Doctor of Words

Though the following has nothing to do with celebrity gossip or me dishing any dirt, I felt it necessary to share with the world.   
 

He looks African, right?

My best friend, Graham Kyle Jordan Riske, has decided to get in touch with his roots and travel through Africa (read: Mozambique - don't be ashamed if you need a map to know where that is).

He sent me the following email this morning that outlines exactly how Americanized the world is today:

"As I prowled the dusty alleys of northern Mozambique, a place still unknown to civilization where a malungo (white guy) is viewed with awe, an alien in an even more alien land, I hear a familiar sound.  I had been making my way through the market of 10th generation hand-me-downs and freshly caught fish, when I stopped, dead in my tracks.  Like a moth to a flame, I wandered towards the source.

"Yes, Satan?" I inquired.

But, alas, unlike usual, it was not the Prince of Darkness. 

As I close in on the sound, the noise becomes more familiar, echoing a distant memory interred deep within my marrow.  A cold shudder passes through my bones, a chill, warning, one I should heed but know I will not.  I move closer to the source, obvious trepidation hinders me from moving faster.  But I must know.  I approach.  The sound becoming more and more familiar.  And then like a tsunami, the echoing waves awash
me:

"I whip my hair back and forth! I whip my hair back and..."

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

In case you have never whipped your hair and don't know what Graham is talking about, please enjoy this video :)

Two and a Half Douchebags

On this morning's episode of "Good Morning America", host and esteemed journalist, Robin Roberts, interviewed singer Chris Brown and asked him about his infamous battery case with former girlfriend, Rihanna.

Credit: perezhilton.com

Brown attempted, unsuccessfully, to bring the subject back to his latest career ventures and became agitated when Roberts would not let up. After the interview, he reportedly trashed his GMA dressing room and threw the equivalent of a 21-year-old temper tantrum. So much for "growing as a person."



Brown then took to his Twitter feed to lament about society's eagerness to forgive Charlie Sheen but that he simply could not get a break. Poor Chris Brown doesn't understand why the public still sees him as a villain after he beat Rihanna to an unrecognizable pulp. Go figure.



So I guess the latest PR strategy is to compare yourself to a tiger-blood fueled warlock and beg for mercy. Not smart, Chrissy.



Credit: contactmusic.com

What I don't get is why either guy is still in the media.

I'm not gonna lie - I'm 100% amused by Charlie Sheen's antics and endless, nonsensical phrases. But he's been at it for so long that it's no longer the funny, new thing. Instead, I find myself feeling bad for him even though he doesn't appear to have a care in the world.

But Chris Brown just gets my blood boiling. I'm all about forgiveness (or at least I try to be). And if you've actually changed as a person, then I tip my hat to you and your probation officer.

But don't tell me that we should be buying tickets to your shows and asking radio stations to play your drivel when you're still acting like an entitled child who has taken to beating up dressing rooms in lieu of women.

Maybe Rihanna has forgiven you, but I say you can suck it.

Every now and then, I find myself driving down the 405 freeway in 2Pac (my 2009 Jetta) and a Chris Brown song will come on the radio. Rewind five years and I would commence the driver seat booty shaking and put on a show for all my freeway companions. But now, I change the station within seconds - even if it means putting up with vintage Michael Bolton until I can find something better.

To Charlie and Chris - you both need to grow up. See a shrink and stop beating women/locking them in your hotel rooms. It's really not that hard.

And if you find that task too challenging, then maybe you should lock yourselves in a hotel room together and #win all over each other's faces.

Now THAT'S a Good Morning America segment I would watch with delight.

Never Say Never - To Justin Falling In Love With Me!

This past Sunday, my heart broke twice.

#2 heart break - When the Steelers lost to the Packers in the Super Bowl
#1 heart break - When Justin Bieber was spotted walking hand-in-hand with Selena Gomez down the Santa Monica Pier Sunday afternoon

Caption: whyfame.com

We've all known for awhile about Justin and Selena's "secret" courtship. Though that knowledge doesn't ease the pain in my heart, I'm learning to accept it more and more with each passing day.

But seeing the two young lovers together in my hometown - a mere 15 minute drive from my house, no less - was the straw that broke this cougar camel's back.

Yes, I'm aware that Justin Bieber is ten years younger than me. But that's why I wore a shirt that said "COUGAR" to his concert last summer.

By acknowledging the felony before it happens, I negate it out right. That kind of logic just can't be challenged.

I went to Santa Monica the next day hoping to catch a glimpse of the Biebs hanging around - but to no avail. Rumor has it, he'll be at KIIS-FM interviewing with Ryan Seacrest next week. So clearly I'll move heaven and hell to replace his studio chair with my lap and hope he doesn't mind (or sue).

Justin's movie, "Never Say Never", comes out this Friday as an early Valentine's Day gift to his 80 ga-jillion fans worldwide. Surprisingly, I don't have my tickets yet but I do have some hot lady friends who have agreed to see it with me. And we're all legal! Which is more than I can say for our leading man.

Even though Justin has betrayed my heart by seeing other people, my love for him is unconditional and without limits. If he keeps crooning out those delicious love ballads and dancing his way across America, I'll keep my JBiebs necklace happily displayed for all to see.

Selena Gomez is adorable, talented and seems like a genuinely good person. But that doesn't keep me from praying that her hand holding days with the Biebs are short lived.

I won't go so far as to threaten her ala Bieber's psycho stalker 12-year-old fans via Twitter. But I will offer her a handsome reward of a home-cooked meal and the $34 I have in my bank account if she'll back off for a bit and give this puma a chance.

If you're looking for me this weekend, I'll be sitting in the front row of every theater in LA that's playing "Never Say Never". If the Biebs pops out from behind the movie screen and proposes to me at the end of the film, all the better. My birthday is in two weeks, after all!

Sheen's Got A Brand New Bag...

...Of cocaine.

Caption: Mamapop.com

The "Two And A Half Men" star bravely checked himself into rehab late last week, taking one small step towards sober living. Only to check himself out of rehab and back into his house 48 hours later to "continue [his] treatment from home".

What rehab center in America would agree to let Charlie Sheen lead his own rehabilitation efforts?? At least in rehab, they make the drug dealers sign in at the front desk during visiting hours.

Every dealer in LA cheered Charlie's return home and celebrated by bringing over bricks of cocaine as a surprise housewarming gift. Ex-wife, Denise Richards, reportedly stopped by on Sunday and pleaded with Sheen to return to the recovery center.

But why go back to a place filled with substitute drugs when you can get the real thing with all the comforts of home? I'm sure Sheen appreciates doing lines off his owns mirrors rather than those dirty, used ones in rehab.

And let's not forget the multitude of "adult film stars" who already have the passcode to Sheen's entry gate. Betty Ford apparently has a two hooker limit that is simply unacceptable for this CBS star.

Somehow through all the scandal, Sheen's show is still pulling in astronomically high ratings. Charlie pulls in $2 million per episode, which affords him a bevy of prostitutes, illegal drugs and guaranteed trips to the hospital every week.

To top it off, he paid his latest lady friend $30k for their two-and-a-half-minute romp in the hay. The porn star ran to the bank as fast as her hooker heels could carry her and deposited the check before publicly demanding an additional $25k.

My advice to this lady (and I use the term loosely): move on from Sheen and find out what Tiger Woods has been up to. And then call me so I can blog about it.

Strippers and Blow on Aisle 12, Please

How hard is it to get a Hollywood scandal in 2011? It really must be the end of days.

So far, the best thing we've had is an engagement announcement from Jesse James and Kat Man D. I'm not impressed. Fast forward a few months and we'll find out that Kat caught James with three tattooed hookers and some blow. Rumors will begin to swirl that they are divorcing after 12 days of holy matrimony and there's a 62% chance she's pregnant.

Been there, seen that. Have the DVD collection to prove it.

Yesterday we learned that Charlie Sheen was rushed to the hospital for a hernia after partying with porn stars all night. That is SO 2010!

And where is Tiger Woods? Don't tell me he's been behaving himself and focusing on his golf game instead of taking home strippers?! Even Lindsay has been behaving herself since she got out of Betty Ford. Give me a break, people.

Every day I comb the celebrity gossip headlines searching for f-ups to entertain you. It is now almost February and I've had nothing to rant about besides how many forms of hepatitis Jesse James and Kat Man D may share.

I had more scandal at my goodbye party in San Francisco when I tried to whip my hair back and forth.

I was most disappointed today when I got news of a celebrity dye job. Ashlee Simpson reportedly bleached her hair platinum blonde and Us Weekly decided to send an email update all about it.

Since when did it become news that a pseudo celebrity found out what peroxide does? Especially one who can't even spell her name right. AshlEE? C'mon. That's just unnecessary.

In an ideal world, I will soon report to you all that Elton John is actually straight, Justin Bieber is really a lesbian in disguise and the Octomom is pregnant with Richard Simmons' baby. And they are having triplets.

Until then, enjoy the peace in Tinseltown because it is bound to end within a week.

How Many Tattoos Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?

Courtesy: celebritysmackblog.com

Is everyone up-to-date with their hepatitis vaccines? I certainly hope so. Because Jesse James and Kat Von D are combining their disease-ridden forces to say "I do".

Merely seven months after James' divorce from Sandra Bullock - who he infamously desecrated after news of his multiple infidelities became public - James, 41, has popped the question to Kat Von D. Von D, 28, has since taken to Twitter to tout how much she loves love and what her relationship with James has taught her about maturity and partnerships.

Unless she admits that James has taught her nothing more than how to tattoo yourself in your sleep, I call bullsh!t.

The two began dating publicly five months ago. Rumors began swirling quickly thereafter about James' supposed new infidelities, Von D's jealousy over James purchasing a house in Austin simply to be near Bullock, and how the two were struggling with their long distance relationship (Von D lives permanently in Los Angeles, a major disservice to all city residents including myself).

But somehow this crazy couple has found a way to make it work. The two announced yesterday via Twitter that their engagement was, in fact, real. Von D flashed a bauble that is hard to see on top of her 17 hand tattoos. James released "artsy" photos of his lady love on his Twitter page to show how much he cared.

This will be James' fourth mistake marriage, if it actually comes to pass. First wife, Karla James, is the mother of one of his kids. He then married a porn star (aka baby mama #2) followed by Bullock. Von D is the latest in a string of poor decisions with more to come, I'm sure.

The only person who could truly be happy about this engagement is Tiger Woods. James successfully turned America's attention away from the golfer when the news of his addiction to finding sex partners via MySpace surfaced.

But don't think you're out of the woods yet, Tiger. I've got my eye on you.

In the meantime, everyone in LA should keep their penicillin stash handy just in case you come into accidental contact with James or Von D. If there is any humanity, they should be sterilized within the month.

Hangin' Tough in the New Year

Happy New Year to all my little dirt dish-ees!! I would say I've missed you, but we all know I had way too much egg nog over the holidays to miss much of anything.

Credit: JustJared

Apparently, Hollywood has been at somewhat of a standstill in my absence as well. Sure - Hugh Hefner got engaged to a woman 60 years his junior (the Heffer is 84 while his fiancée is a 24 year old blushing-bride-to-be).

And yes, Reese Witherspoon virtually pimp slapped Jake Gyllenhaal after debuting her 4-carat sparkler from now fiancée, Jim Toth. After being dumped by Witherspoon, Jakey moved on to Taylor Swift only to announce their break up a mere day or two into the new year.

But all of that is child's play for La La Land during the holiday season! Where was Charlie Sheen with a bevy of prostitutes in some seedy Las Vegas strip joint? Why did Lindsay Lohan appear to be disarmingly sober when exiting a gym after being discharged from her stint at Betty Ford? How did Jesse James avoid being photographed during his weekly injection of penicillin*?

I was shocked and appalled at Hollywood's tame approach to the holidays. Even Natalie Portman's announcement that she's knocked up didn't do anything to stir the starlet pot.

Are we simply numb to the goings-on of celebrity life? Will it take a scandal of Tiger Woods proportion to kick some intrigue back into the gossip scene?

I, for one, am not going to wait for another athlete to text inappropriate photos of their embarrassingly small member to get excited about the new year. Why, you ask? Because Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve brought something very important to my attention.

**Drum roll please**

New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys (lovingly referred to as "NKOTBSB") are going on tour beginning June 2011!!! 

If that doesn't knock your socks off, I don't know what will.

Credit: JustJared

You don't have to ask me twice to Step by Step my way back into some Backstreet-charged enthusiasm. NKOTBSB's pre-ball drop performance was a monumental occasion. Screams were heard around the world as they took the stage (by "around the world" I mean primarily from my hoarse lungs). Now, all I have to figure out is how to bankroll my new occupation as professional groupie and attend every performance on their tour.

This past Christmas, I asked Santa for a buffet of men to choose from in the new year. And he delivered NKOTBSB.

Thank you, Santa. And thank you, world. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

*Merely conjecture based upon Jesse James' proclivity for diseased-looking "love interests"