As Long As He Loves Her

Credit: VLUV/Splash News

Justin and Selena are back together. Which means I'm still the awkward third in this teenage love triangle.

Please refrain from pointing out that I'm no longer a teenager.

My first step here is usually to say something snarky about relationships - an extraordinarily witty comment or two that shows just how jealous I really am. But I can't hate these two love birds because I actually think they're totes adorbs. What's wrong with me??

When it comes to love, I'm the biggest skeptic there is. And when it comes to Hollywood love, I jump at the opportunity to make fun of the dumbasses who think it's going to work out (ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds, Alanis Morrisette and Ryan Reynolds, Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds...oh wait, maybe I need to stop sleeping outside of Ryan's bedroom window).

But with Justin and Selena, I'm pretty sure it's the real deal. I'm not saying I'm conceding to her in the ultimate fight for his heart. But I'm fine with her taking him for a test drive until he turns 21.

He needs to be able to drink at our wedding, after all.

Maybe all the mistletoe in the air has caused me to go soft. But I think these two kids can make it.

And by "make it", I mean they'll at least last until Valentine's Day before they break up again and Justin writes a heartfelt ballad about being dead inside.

Been there done that, gurl.

So I'm going to take a page out of their preteen novel and open myself up too: If any 19-year-old Canadian guys are looking for a cougar to settle down with, please reply to sender at 867-5309.

You Can Trap Me in the Closet Anytime

Courtesy: IFC

As long as it's R. Kelly-style!

Christmas came early today when I learned that R. Kelly has created not one but TWENTY new episodes of his infamous hip hopera, "Trapped In The Closet", set to debut on Black Friday (coincidence? I think not).

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this mid-2000's cultural phenomenon, here's the readers' digest version of episodes 1-22:

• Sylvester (R. Kelly) wakes up in a woman's bed, and it turns out it's not his wife
• The woman's husband (a pastor) comes home early, so Sylvester, naturally, hides in the closet with his Beretta
• After the pastor discovers Sylvester in the closet, he admits that he's been cheating too...with a man
• A police officer pulls Sylvester over as he's racing home from the drama. Turns out, the same police officer is sleeping with Sylvester's wife.
• Somehow in all of this, Sylvester's wife's brother, Twan, gets shot. But no one really cares.
• Later, we find the police officer's wife, Bridget, at home waiting patiently. But what's that in their kitchen cabinet? Bridget's secret lover, "Big Man". And to quote R. Kelly:

"Now, pause the movie, c‘ause what I'm about to say to y'all is so damn twisted—not only is there a man in his cabinet, but the man is a midget! Midget! Midget! Midget!"

And that only takes us through chapter 9 of 22, ladies and gentlemen. The plot gets thicker, and R. Kelly's ballads about grabbing his Beretta (metaphor, anyone?) only get better. 

So imagine my delight when I put on KROQ this morning and hear that the teaser for Chapter 23 was just released by IFC. Leave it to the studio who brought us Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11" to follow up with the hard-hitting plot lines of R&B's #1 urinater.

But clearly this news got me excited enough to return to the blogosphere to share my joy. For too long, I've had to settle for the intoxicated musings of "My Drunk Kitchen" to get me through the lonely nights, when really, I've been craving more of R. Kelly's lyrical genius. 

Who could forget the moving ending to chapter 4, where R. Kelly sings, "I pull back the cover. Oh, my God, a rubber!"

Have you ever been so moved? I don't remember feeling such forceful emotion since I realized Bambi's mother died. 

Thank you, R. Kelly, for renewing my faith in humanity. As we swim through the shitstorm of programs like "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" and "Honey Boo Boo Child", I can rest assured that the quality of entertainment will once again rise with the debut of "Trapped...Chapter 23".

God bless YouTube.

Robert Pattinson Proves That Brains and Beauty Don't Mix

Credit: TIME/ET

It's like my mom always says: skanks never prosper. Unless their name is Kristen Stewart.

Sources around the globe are reporting that Robert Pattinson has forgiven Kristen Stewart and is taking her back. Cheating be damned, it seems the man simply can't live without his awkward flame.

Maybe he loves her for her brain. Since apparently, he doesn't have one of his own.

But this reconciliation is one of many poor decisions that celebrities have made recently when it comes to matters of the heart: Rihanna kissed Chris Brown at last week's MTV VMA's. DeadMau5 is dating Kat Von D (herpes? who cares!). And Kim and Kanye...exist.

In our heart of hearts, we knew Robert couldn't possibly be that smart with a face like his. So we shouldn't be surprised that he took KStew back after only two months of media-driven angst.

But I did hope that he was the exception to the rule - that there was more to him than a hot accent and good hair.

There goes that dream.

I'd say I wish them both the best, but we all know that's a lie.

I take comfort in the fact that neither of them seem to be particularly interesting as individuals. Kristen has rightfully crowned herself as Miss Awkward America. And Robert simply giggles his way through interview questions when he can't seem to think of the right words - a telltale sign that not many words live in his head to begin with.

So the world probably isn't suffering a huge loss that these two are back together. Better that then have them spread their seed around the incestuous Hollywood dating pool.

And ladies - Zac Efron is still single (SHOCKING since "The Lucky One" was such a blockbuster hit).

Here's to Robsten finally making it work! Let's just pray that they never procreate. And if they do, that they don't actually name their kid Renesmee.

Kristen Stewart Announces New Film: Snow White is a Ho

Credit: UsWeekly.com

I told you she was a skank.

But who could have predicted that this uber-private, socially awkward vampirette would have so publicly betrayed the one man naive enough to date her?

Say it ain't so, gurl.

Except she did say it was so, in one of the worst public apologies ever written, by releasing this statement:

"I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry," Stewart said in a statement to People magazine.


See, when a person says I love you TWO times, it really means they're sorry. So no harm done.

Except she's still a skank.


To compound the atrocity of her actions, her fling was with "Snow White and the Huntsman" director, Rupert Sanders, a married man and father of two small kids. Sanders' wife even played Kristen's mother in the film. 


Talk about trading down.


There's really never a positive that comes out of a cheating scandal, as evidenced by Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards, Jesse James and Hugh Grant (what was with that hooker??)

Credit: JustJared.com

And although I never wish ill upon anyone (that's a lie), the one solace I can take away from Kristen's lapse in judgment is that, perhaps, Rob will finally see her for the blight she is and drop her faster than you can say why-does-she-suck-so-much.

My other gripe about this situation is that, for a 41-year-old, Rupert Sanders is pretty damn cute. So can someone please explain to me how THIS girl (see image to the right) is pulling all these attractive men??

Sure, she's not a complete eyesore, but she has the personality of a desk lamp.

And I'm guessing since she and Rob have been together for over three years now, they've probably stopped making out and chain smoking long enough to have a conversation or two. You would have thought that would be enough to scare him off.

But he's British so maybe they just have lower standards on the other side of the pond.

I hope the world has learned its lesson - when I say someone's a whore, I'm usually right. And beyond that, the girl can't act so please stop giving her roles opposite Hollywood greats like Charlize Theron and Michael Sheen. She's much better suited for a job that requires little to no human interaction, like a dolphin keeper at the zoo.

Although I'd never do that to the dolphins.

I hope Rob (and Hollywood) wake up and smell the prostitute. Kristen Stewart has made her overly awkward bed and now has to lie in it.

Enjoy Breaking Dawn 2, girlfriend, cuz that's the last time I'll ever voluntarily watch your mug on the big screen without throwing used diapers at it.

To sum up this post in a nutshell: Snow White can suck it.

The Ultimate Homewrecker

Credit: Deathby1000papercuts.com

Dear Rielle Hunter, Skanks 'R' Us called and said they're looking for a new spokesperson. Interested?

On today's Good Morning America, a seemingly high-as-a-kite Rielle Hunter revealed that as of last week, she and John Edwards are "still a family, but no longer a couple."

And the world weeps.

Color me shocked on this bombshell since so many relationships that begin under a cloud of infidelity tend to go the distance. Who wouldn't want to be with such a stand up guy who cheats on his dying wife with a hooker from his campaign?

But Rielle took this morning's moment in the spotlight to hawk the idea that she and John are both "real humans" with real emotions, who were swept up in a sea of love.

And by sea of love, she meant a box of Viagra and too much time on their hands.

She then added insult to injury by advocating for Edwards, stating that he's not a demon and his deceased wife wasn't all that innocent. According to Hunter, Elizabeth Edwards used her kids as pawns in a play for John's attention.

Hey Rielle, remember your 2010 interview with Oprah about your baby daddy drama?

Pot. Kettle. Black.

This latest string of TV appearances comes on the heels of Hunter's book tour, where she's attempting to sell her story to the public so everyone can get to know the "real Rielle".

She could have saved herself the time of writing an actual book and just posed for Playboy. That would have communicated the same, deep message that no one wants to read or see to begin with.

The real victim in all this is the 4-year-old girl that was spawned from Hunter and Edwards' dirty loins. That poor child was born into a flying shit storm that will never reach its calm as long as the National Enquirer stays in business.

Hunter should take a page from Michael Jackson's parenting book and put a paper bag on that little girl's face to maintain her anonymity. And while Rielle is at it, she should do the same for herself.

Edwards has been eerily quiet throughout this entire ordeal. Most likely because he has zero credibility left with the American public and his own children take swings at John Edwards-themed pinatas during every holiday celebration.

I hope these two find their way back to one another, since I can't imagine who else would date either of them. Although, even Chris Brown was able to find himself a girlfriend in his post-Rihanna world, so maybe people really are that desperate.

I pity the fool who decides to take on John Edwards as a rebound. With no political clout to back him up, he's really just the glorified Gary Coleman of the Democratic party. And that's definitely not saying much.

Maybe he'll channel Stella and get his groove back one day. But with Rielle as a constant in his life, he's guaranteed a life of mediocrity and STDs.

To the Good Morning America team: Apologies you had to sit through that interview. And please sterilize everything in your studio lest you accidentally catch syphilis of the arm after shaking hands with Ms. Hunter.

It Pays to BelieB

Courtesy: JustinBieberZone.com

He's done it again! Transcending baby mama drama, paparazzi fights and run in's with glass doors, the Biebs has proven that there's nothing he can't do. His third album, Believe, debuted at #1 in 34 countries just two days after its release.

If that's not a reason to belieb, I don't know what is.

As Justin swags his way onto our car stereos, even non-Beliebers are saying that homeboy's got skillz. He tackles pop, R&B, and even dubstep in his latest musical venture.

And it's actually GOOD!

On the album's deluxe version (which, of course, I bought), the final track addresses the baby mama issues that Justin had to suffer through last year. 


And it's hilarious. Think "Billie Jean" meets "SexyBack" sung with an angsty twist by an 18-year-old. But don't take my word for it - check out the song for yourself:

For all the haters who think Justin is too young to sing about love, remember that he really has been "All Around the World" and is somebody's "Boyfriend" (that lucky bitch). Homegirl is just writing about what he knows, from the heart.

And the best part is, Justin hasn't changed. Yeah, he's older and his voice is an octave or two lower. But he's still the same "man" I fell in love with three years ago (don't do the math - but yes, he was 15). 

A New York Daily News reporter put it best in an album review stating, "[Justin's] still the smitten pursuer, promising undying love to anyone who'll be his girl. It's enough to make the Backstreet Boys seem like date rapists."

As a Backstreet Boys fan, I take absolutely no offense to that statement. I do, however, take offense to 98 Degrees reuniting (unrelated, but true).

To all non-Beliebers in the world, go check out "Believe" anyway. You won't be disappointed. 

And in case you are, you can do what my brother suggests and use the album as a coaster for your beer. Either way, it'll be the best $14.99 you've ever spent.

#BelieberFever

An Ovarian Eruption

Credit: Moveiplanner.com

Don't worry - I totes mean the good kind of ovarian eruption...

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the cast of "Magic Mike" - Hollywood's gift to sexually repressed women all over the globe.

Who needs Christian Grey when you've got five of the hottest young actors playing strippers on the big screen??

I think I'm having a hot flash just looking at this photo.

For those of you who are unaware of the film, we have Channing Tatum (center) of "Step Up", "G.I. Joe" and "The Vow" fame playing a lead stripper in the soon-to-be summer blockbuster.

What's the plot of the movie, you ask? Who gives a sh!t.

And if that weren't enough, he's joined by Joe Manganiello ("True Blood"), Matt Bomer ("White Collar"...yes, his last name is BoMer), Matthew McConaughey (naked bongo player), and Alex Pettyfer (from "I Am Number Four", which came in at number 20 in the box office...)

Whether or not you know of these men won't really matter once you see them shake their bon bons on stage for our viewing pleasure.

From what I can gather of the plot (for those of you who care about that sort of thing), Channing Tatum is trying to teach Alex Pettyfer how to party, hit on chicks, and make easy money.

And... that's about it. I'm frankly surprised that the director chose to include dialog at all. Won't that just distract us from the view?

It's about time that a movie like this was made. I'm tired of seeing a slew of ta-tas on the big and small screens with little-to-no reciprocity from our male leads. A random butt shot of Eric or Bill in "True Blood" is only going to take me so far, especially when I'm then subjected to 20 minutes of full frontal from Anna Paquin.

Where's the justice? The equality? Where are all the hot MEN?

Even my favorite lesbian talk show host, Ellen DeGeneres, understands Hollywood's oversight and regularly hosts male strippers on her show for all to see (please enjoy the video below).

So to whoever wrote the screenplay for Magic Mike: I applaud you! As do the loins of women all across America.

See you in theaters June 29th - I'll be the one sitting in the front row.

Wedding Party in the U.S.A.

Courtesy: PerezHilton.com

It's happening, y'all - Miley Cyrus, age 19, is gettin' hitched.

Liam Hemsworth, of "The Last Song" and "Hunger Games" fame, just put a ring on the Disney star who claimed she "Can't Be Tamed". I guess she just couldn't resist the Australian accent (who could?). Oh - plus he's hot.

The couple had a bit of a rocky start after a brief break up back in 2010. But leave it to the young lovebirds to find their way back to each other in Hollywood heaven. Next stop: the country alter.

I can only imagine how Papa Cyrus reacted when he first heard the news. I'm imagining something along the lines of how his ache-y break-y heart prays his little girl isn't knocked up.

Or maybe he just said congratulations, who really knows.

Miley is really hitting the jackpot with this one. Not only is her beau a hottie, but her future brother-in-law (Chris Hemsworth aka Thor/The Huntsman/man candy) brings sexy back in a whole new way. Miley is basically marrying into a hotness explosion that you can't look at directly or your corneas will burst.

Well done, gurl. I didn't even know she had it in her. With her previous roster of boyfriends including a Jonas brother and a C-list underwear model, I was pretty sure she'd just fall to love's wayside and eventually get knocked up by a Kevin Federline look alike.

But color me surprised, she did it! She found love in the hopeless place we call Tinseltown. And she did it all before she could legally drink.

My hope for this young couple is that they have a lifetime of happiness and never lose sight of what's really important: prenups.

Because we all know a "lifetime" in Hollywood really means 2-5 years max with an ugly divorce battle and a Barbara Walters interview to follow.

Fingers crossed I get an invite to the bachelorette - it'll be quite the rodeo, I'm sure.

Congrats, y'all!

Tweet Me Maybe!

As much fun as it is to blog about celeb gossip, it's even MORE fun to create tribute videos to rising stars like Carly Rae Jepsen and see what happens :) And by "see what happens", I mean get invited to The Ellen Show and have Ian Somerhalder surprise me on stage with roses. 

Follow @TweetMeMayB for more info and in the meantime...enjoy!!

He Put A Ring On It!!

Credit: Us Weekly

Get ready for some more Team Angie vs. Aniston in-fighting because Papa Pitt just popped the question!!

No, I don't mean the age-old dilemma of boxers vs. briefs, but rather, Pitt asked the mother of his 72 children for her hand in marriage. And that girl said yes in a hot tranny second (wouldn't you?)

As a staunch supporter of Team Brangelina from the homewrecking start, I have been pulling for this outcome for quite a while. I don't really believe in love or marriage, but I do believe in these two crazy kids.

They seem to have mastered the delicate balance of parenthood, demanding work schedules, and a very healthy sex life complete with toys.

And who doesn't love toys?

There's no date set for this latest answer to a slow celebrity news cycle (the Kardashians ain't got nothin' on this media frenzy), but I'll share more once I get my invitation in the mail. I'm pretty sure the Plaza in June isn't at the top of their priority list.

Moment of silence - we simply can't forget Jen in all this. She found love with Justin Theroux, but this just has to be another kick in the nuts for her.

She can't get her nails done or buy groceries without seeing her face plastered next to Angie's in the tabloids, and this is bound to make it worse. Next thing you know, she'll be checking into rehab for "stress-related" issues.

I mean, I'm checking into rehab too, so I can't judge.

But this girl can't catch a break. First, the sexiest man alive divorces her because he's banging Angie on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Next up, they're living together and adopting triplets every six months. And now, their pending nuptials are about to make Will & Kate's wedding look like a backyard BBQ.

Wanderlust already flopped in the box office - can't we just leave this woman alone?

I'm sure, as a sign of respect, Brangelina will plan something tasteful and elegant, away from the watching eyes of paparazzi everywhere. Angie has made it clear that she has no friends, so the wedding party should only consist of their 86 children, George Clooney, and a vial of Billy Bob's blood for good luck.

So congrats, you two! I look forward to drooling over more delicious pics of you guys as you celebrate your love. And if you wind up needing a good divorce lawyer, I heard that JLo knows several.

#Brangelina4ever

"Birthday Cake" Gone Wrong

Credit: brokencool.com

In honor of my birthday week, and Rihanna's most recent poor decision, I've decided to return to the Dirt Dishing Dame blogosphere and spit the truth.

The latest: Rihanna has lost her ever-lovin' mind.

My faithful followers already know that I'm not Chris Brown's #1 fan. If he were on fire in front of me, I WOULD consider putting him out...but only if the process involved me stomping out his nuts while wearing heavy army boots.

Just sayin'.

So color me surprised when I heard that RiRi was releasing a remix of her song "Birthday Cake" (most likely in honor of my big day on February 22nd) featuring lewd lyrics from her ex/former abuser.

Just how lewd are we talking, you ask? Here's a little preview:

"Girl I wanna f--- you right now/Been a long time/I've been missing your body." And how does our girl RiRi respond?

"I love you, baby"

I'm going to give you all a minute to vomit in your mouths before we continue...Ready? OK.

Everyone deserves a second chance. Chris had one during his interview two years back on Good Morning America when Robin Roberts asked him how he was dealing with the aftermath of his conviction. His response? He trashed his dressing room and stripped down to his skivvies as he left the studio.

Classy.

So maybe a third chance for our boy? Sure. Reportedly Chris made quite the impression while flirting with a lovely lady in a swag room at this year's Grammys. When it came time for him to choose just the right one-liner that would sweep her off her feet, he whispered lovingly in her ear, "Can I get your number? I promise I won't beat you."

#EvenClassier.

I won't say I've led a perfect life or that I haven't made one or two poor decisions myself. I won't even lie and say that this past holiday weekend was sin-free. We all make mistakes and we all have some cringe-worthy moments where we say "whoopsie" after truly stepping in it (i.e. Britney Spears' second pregnancy with K Fed - how could she know he was that fertile?!?)

But at some point, we have to draw the line at a certain amount of douchebaggery coming out of one person. Rihanna, songstress that she is, has apparently not drawn that line as rumors are swirling that she and Chris have been hooking up on the sly for the past year.

Now, I'm ALL about recycling ex-boyfriends:

a) You already know what you're walking into 

b) They're pre-trained 

c) You're more likely able to go without shaving your legs for longer periods of time without them saying anything  

Really, it's a win-win for everyone involved.

But when your ex-boyfriend is convicted woman-beater Chris Brown, your gut reaction should PROBABLY be to channel his song "Run It" and get the hell out of dodge when you see him coming.

I can't speak for Rihanna, but I can speak for most sane people when I say that it is the poorest of the poor decisions to collaborate with him again in any way, musically or sexually.

And don't even get me started on his bad bathroom habits - that's just unforgivable.

At the end of the day, RiRi is just a kid making her way through this crazy thing we call life. She just celebrated her 24th birthday, and I can't even begin to remember all the poor decisions I was making at age 24 (seriously - I can't remember at all. It was so long ago and I think the Alzheimer's has set in).

All we can do is hope that by her 25th birthday, she's settled down with someone a bit more stable like Mike Tyson or Charlie Sheen - someone who really knows how to treat a lady.

And in the meantime, I'm going to blow out my birthday candles and pray that Chris Brown is standing by somewhere close, wearing something that's exceptionally flammable. 

Birthday girl, over and out!

Starting Off the New Year...Right?

2012 is here and it's already brought (somewhat) shocking celeb news for all mini-DishingDivas to enjoy! Here are just a few nuggets that made me go "hmm...."

Credit: buzznet.com

1. Russell Brand becomes Katy Perry's "One That Got Away"

Call me crazy, but I thought these kids could actually work (at least for longer than 14 months). They were just quirky and amusing enough to bypass the Hollywood BS and meditate their way into blissful matrimony.

But alas, Russell filed for divorce just before the new year citing the cliche of irreconcilable differences. Apparently he's just too hot n cold about California gurls (I couldn't resist).

2. Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are still together

Of all the Hollywood couples who should have declared a divorce by now, it's these two. But as Nick Cannon's recent kidney failure has demonstrated, nothing can tear these two crazy kids apart. Not even their two crazy twins, who are bound to become strippers when they grow up.

3. The Kardashians are breeding again

Until we get this family spayed and neutered, the world as we know it will never be safe. Someone out in the universe thought it was a good idea for Kourtney K. to get sperminated again. I'm not saying this new child is the Antichrist, but...

OK. Antichrist it is. #churchbound

4. Vampires are still relevant

Credit: CW.com

Tonight is the mid-season return of The Vampire Diaries on the CW. If you know me at all, you know my love for vampires knows no limit. But if you're still not convinced as to why I love this show, please see exhibit A to my left.

(<--- HOTTT)

To add to vampires' relevancy in 2012, the latest installment of "Underworld" is being released in just a couple of weeks. Hot vampires + lots of naked screen time = a happy 2012 for us all (but especially me).


5. Justin Bieber turns 18

Speaking of hot - my jailbait lover, Justin Bieber, becomes legal in just under two months (one month and 26 days to be exact, but who's counting? Besides me and Selena Gomez...) I'm really looking forward to not going to prison.

In Summary

Credit: buzznet.com

2011 was one of the best years on record, not just for me but for celebrity news as a whole (Charlie Sheen #winning, JBiebs not the baby daddy but Arnold is, Ryan Gosling naked most of the time...)

But I'm going out on a limb to say 2012 will top it. I'm also going one step further to say, "Mayan calendar be damned(!)", we're going to make it to 2013.

And if we don't, you won't be able to call me on it 'cuz we'll all be dead.

#coveryourass

NOW, how do we stop this Justin Timberlake/Jessica Biel wedding from happening?? Discuss.