Who Lets These People Procreate?

Credit: beat.bodog.com

Just in case you thought the world wasn't dumb enough, news broke today that Kevin Federline has sperminated his latest girlfriend.

Translation: KFed is about to bring his FIFTH child into the world - a little tyke who is bound to be a wife beater-wearing, Papo Zao-singing, fantastically gifted new member of society.

With a daddy like KFed, how could you possibly go wrong?

This latest news inspires me to ask two simple questions:

#1 - Who voluntarily chooses to have sex with KFed??

#2 - Why is he allowed to procreate??

For those of you who are still wondering how George W. Bush won a second term in office, it's because people like this spawn 7-10 children each and allow them to vote. If I weren't so busy buying up Coach purses on eBay, I would send KFed a check to get his sac snipped by the end of the week.

I get why Britney had two kids by him. She can barely walk across a stage without assistance, much less figure out how birth control works.

But shouldn't this new baby mama, Victoria Prince, know better? Please don't tell me she's stupid enough to think that some of Britney's alimony will go towards her unborn baby's future. Clearly KFed spends that money every month on an unlimited supply of Krispy Kreme donuts, which explains his beautifully toned physique as seen above.

I'm almost as disappointed in America today as I was after the 2004 election. For this child's sake, I hope his mother gets full custody and moves a minimum of 14,000 miles away from KFed (read: the planet formerly known as Pluto) in order for this kid to have a shot at life.

But since that's highly unlikely, we must hope for the second best option. That Brangelina find it in their hearts to adopt Baby KFed #5 into their overflowing brood.

A Doctor of Words

Though the following has nothing to do with celebrity gossip or me dishing any dirt, I felt it necessary to share with the world.   
 

He looks African, right?

My best friend, Graham Kyle Jordan Riske, has decided to get in touch with his roots and travel through Africa (read: Mozambique - don't be ashamed if you need a map to know where that is).

He sent me the following email this morning that outlines exactly how Americanized the world is today:

"As I prowled the dusty alleys of northern Mozambique, a place still unknown to civilization where a malungo (white guy) is viewed with awe, an alien in an even more alien land, I hear a familiar sound.  I had been making my way through the market of 10th generation hand-me-downs and freshly caught fish, when I stopped, dead in my tracks.  Like a moth to a flame, I wandered towards the source.

"Yes, Satan?" I inquired.

But, alas, unlike usual, it was not the Prince of Darkness. 

As I close in on the sound, the noise becomes more familiar, echoing a distant memory interred deep within my marrow.  A cold shudder passes through my bones, a chill, warning, one I should heed but know I will not.  I move closer to the source, obvious trepidation hinders me from moving faster.  But I must know.  I approach.  The sound becoming more and more familiar.  And then like a tsunami, the echoing waves awash
me:

"I whip my hair back and forth! I whip my hair back and..."

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

In case you have never whipped your hair and don't know what Graham is talking about, please enjoy this video :)

Two and a Half Douchebags

On this morning's episode of "Good Morning America", host and esteemed journalist, Robin Roberts, interviewed singer Chris Brown and asked him about his infamous battery case with former girlfriend, Rihanna.

Credit: perezhilton.com

Brown attempted, unsuccessfully, to bring the subject back to his latest career ventures and became agitated when Roberts would not let up. After the interview, he reportedly trashed his GMA dressing room and threw the equivalent of a 21-year-old temper tantrum. So much for "growing as a person."



Brown then took to his Twitter feed to lament about society's eagerness to forgive Charlie Sheen but that he simply could not get a break. Poor Chris Brown doesn't understand why the public still sees him as a villain after he beat Rihanna to an unrecognizable pulp. Go figure.



So I guess the latest PR strategy is to compare yourself to a tiger-blood fueled warlock and beg for mercy. Not smart, Chrissy.



Credit: contactmusic.com

What I don't get is why either guy is still in the media.

I'm not gonna lie - I'm 100% amused by Charlie Sheen's antics and endless, nonsensical phrases. But he's been at it for so long that it's no longer the funny, new thing. Instead, I find myself feeling bad for him even though he doesn't appear to have a care in the world.

But Chris Brown just gets my blood boiling. I'm all about forgiveness (or at least I try to be). And if you've actually changed as a person, then I tip my hat to you and your probation officer.

But don't tell me that we should be buying tickets to your shows and asking radio stations to play your drivel when you're still acting like an entitled child who has taken to beating up dressing rooms in lieu of women.

Maybe Rihanna has forgiven you, but I say you can suck it.

Every now and then, I find myself driving down the 405 freeway in 2Pac (my 2009 Jetta) and a Chris Brown song will come on the radio. Rewind five years and I would commence the driver seat booty shaking and put on a show for all my freeway companions. But now, I change the station within seconds - even if it means putting up with vintage Michael Bolton until I can find something better.

To Charlie and Chris - you both need to grow up. See a shrink and stop beating women/locking them in your hotel rooms. It's really not that hard.

And if you find that task too challenging, then maybe you should lock yourselves in a hotel room together and #win all over each other's faces.

Now THAT'S a Good Morning America segment I would watch with delight.