A Gentleman Never Tells

Credit: Sunny1069.com

Which means Shia LaBeouf is unclassiness personified. Not to mention, thoroughly unattractive.

Here's a little peek into why this guy is on my gross list -

In the newest issue of Details magazine, Shia announced that he and Megan Fox "hooked up" while filming 'Transformers' together. In case you forget what these two actors look like, please reference Megan's hotness in the picture to your right, along with Shia's (and I'm being generous here) C-level looks.

Clearly he knew somebody in Hollywood to get to where he is today because it certainly wasn't based on his face or winning personality.

But I digress.

I usually try not to be this catty (humor me) but Shia really ticked me off. When asked by Details if Megan was actively dating now-husband Brian Austin Green at the time of the alleged hook up, LaBeouf sputtered his way through a response and effectively left the question open-ended.

What could he possibly have to gain by announcing this now? From my humble years in PR, this is just a cheap ploy to promote 'Transformers 3'. Although, as Fox isn't even in it, I could think of better ways to pump up box office sales.

LaBeouf also doesn't take into account that this news could unnecessarily damage Fox and Green's marriage for the sole benefit of making himself seem like a pimp.

Again, please reference the above photograph and revert back to your judgmental high school days. For me, these days never ended.

In a high school scenario, I'd equate Fox with the captain of the cheer squad (indeed, she played this role in "Jennifer's Body" - terrible film but entertaining to watch whilst hungover).

LaBeouf would be the captain of the film club who spent his Friday nights alphabetizing his rock collection.

I'm not dissing film clubs or rock collections. I'm dissing the fact that Shia LaBeouf has the audacity to brag about a private matter that happened years ago in order to "transform" himself into a cool kid who gets the ladies.

If Megan Fox was bored enough to hook up with him, he should thank his lucky stars and move on. Clearly, she was embarrassed (and most likely, disappointed) enough by the encounter that she never told anyone. He should have gotten the hint.

But instead he pulls this John Mayer-like move of talking too much and making himself look like a d-bag.

John Mayer was so criticized for his inappropriate commentary on the women he "dated" that he had to cancel his Twitter account. LaBeouf should take a page from Mayer's book and cancel his public speaking engagements all together.

At least Mayer can sing - LaBeouf just chases around CGI robots in the hopes that one of them doesn't wise up and shoot him in the face.

I digress. Yet again.

I'm not even a particularly big Megan Fox fan. She's not one of the brightest actresses of our time, but I can admit that she's a knock out. And way out of LaBeouf's league.

I get miffed when people try to piggyback off of others in order to achieve stardom. It's cheap and it never lasts - just asks the 112 women Tiger Woods slept with. Can you name any of them now?

Didn't think so.

It's at this point in my blog where I give sage advice to the celebrity offender about how to fix their most recent social gaffe. Except I have no advice for LaBeouf - I simply want him to disappear and take his dirty goatee with him.

Clearly, Megan Fox decided one night to slum it and - many tequila shots later - LaBeouf was the closest thing to a man in the nearby vicinity.

And for that, Shia should shut his piehole and be forever grateful.

They Nabbed 'Whitey'

Credit: Boston.com

The world could use a few more mob bosses.

James "Whitey" Bulger, the infamous mob boss who inspired Jack Nicholson's character in 'The Departed', was scooped up by the FBI last night in Santa Monica, CA after 16 years on the run.

When was the last time you heard someone refer to being "on the lam"? For me, it was just this morning when Matt Lauer shared the Whitey-nabbing story on the TODAY show.

That 20th-century term for fugitives on the run needs to be brought back into our modern day vernacular in a big way.

Bulger, who is set to appear in court on Thursday, faces charges of murder, conspiracy to commit murder, narcotics distribution, extortion and money laundering.

Throw in conspiracy to steal sports memorabilia and he sounds a lot like O.J. Simpson.

I'm not embarassed to admit that I watch the soap opera 'General Hospital' on quite the regular basis. One of the principal characters - Michael "Sonny" Corinthos - is a legendary mob boss in the little town of Port Charles, NY. Without him, the town (and show) would be nothing.

But besides Whitey, who can remember hearing about a real-life mob boss banging around on his private island? Despite what the folks on 'Mob Wives' tell you, mob bosses are a dying breed and I, for one, am saddened because of it.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not trivializing murder or asking for mobsters to be given a free pass. But wouldn't the world be a slightly more entertaining place if we had more old school mob bosses running the joint?

I'm not thinking throwing-people-off-rooftops mobsters (although if they deserve it, what can ya do?), more like crazy-party-throwing, feather-in-fedora-wearing mobsters.

The same guys who will open up a cancer wing at a hospital just after roughing up someone for not paying their gambling debt. Or the guys who conduct business in the back of their "legit" Italian restaurants while chainsmoking Cuban cigars.

Those are the guys we need more of. Modern day criminals are just pansies.

I'm particularly saddened that Whitey was living basically in my backyard and I didn't get to even meet him. He was hiding out in a penthouse apartment just blocks from the beach while the Feds were chasing fake leads in Santorini. That's a guy I can get behind.

Whitey is 81 now and has definitely passed into the golden years of his life. I think he has enough connections in prison that he'll be just fine finishing out his days behind bars.

Just give him a pack of smokes to trade in for a shank and a hooker and call it a day.

Back Off My Boy

Credit: Bittenandbound.com

Forbes put it best when they said that there are two distinct camps: those who like LeBron James and those who don't. And each group is just as batshit crazy as the other (myself included).

"King James" is, perhaps, hated even more today then he was at the beginning of the NBA Finals. He touted himself as the best but played like a mediocre knock off of what he claimed to be.

As an ardent fan of James, I'll be the first to admit that he was off his game during this crucial series. The fourth-quarter-wonder that we are so used to seeing seemed to flounder during the last four out of six games against the Dallas Mavs. And James' excuse of "Sometimes you got it, sometimes you don't" falls short of truly explaining what happened to the 26-year-old phenom out on the court.

In the end, the anti-LeBron fervor is directly attributed to his arrogance as a player. But I challenge you to name one legendary basketball player whose arrogance hasn't come to light.

Michael Jordan, albeit a fantastic player, was one of the most conceited people around during the Chicago Bulls' reign. Magic Johnson's arrogance led him to believe that his sexual philandering would have no ultimate consequences. I believe most people can still remember Kobe's forced attrition after the Lakers' losses this season.

In fact, LBJ's arrogance is probably what helped him get to where he is today - in addition to his talent, of course. And he hasn't even reached the height of his potential.

A friend of mine (hey, James!) said, "Personally, I think he stopped playing hard when things werent going his way and the team wasn't playing on his terms... He doesnt really have the competitive edge that the other greats did."

I have to agree to disagree on that one. Because if LeBron is one of the greatest players of our time, how could he possibly lack a strong competitive edge? Isn't it that same edge that has taken him to the Finals twice in his still young career?

I'd like to especially place on emphasis on the fact that his career is still young. Despite the numerous corporate endorsements and his overexposure as a player, LeBron hasn't been around half as long as the Dirk Nowitski's of the world. And yet, his talent shines through to an extent that we truly haven't seen since the Michael Jordan era.

At the end of the day, LeBron didn't play in the Finals like a champion and, therefore, did not win the championship. But it wasn't his arrogance that tripped him up - it was his lack thereof.

The knowledge that he's great won't keep him from getting inside his own head. When he should have charged the basket, he hesitated. When he should have run the ball, he passed to a lesser player.

LeBron is still figuring himself out like we all are. And I think it's shameful of the media and the NBA's often spiteful fans to try to tear him down when it's the love of the sport that wakes these players up everyday.

LeBron has returned home to think about the mistakes he's made and figure out a game plan for next year. In the meantime, DeShawn Stevenson and his Dirk-loving league of followers need to take a step back and assess their own actions before criticizing one of the greatest players in the NBA.

How does your Dirk taste? Maybe you should go ask your mom.

Walks of Shame - Awards Show Edition

Credit: Getty Photos/TMZ.com

The fashion police need to slow their roll.

Last night's 2011 MTV Movie Awards featured several hilarious highlights including Rob Pattinson locking lips with Taylor Lautner (for non-Twi-hards, Taylor is a male actor); Jason Sudeikis making fun of Selena Gomez for dating a guy (read: Justin Bieber) who still has his baby teeth; and Reese Witherspoon calling out reality stars for sex taping their way into the Hollywood spotlight.

Well done, MTV. You made a hit production that, fortunately, had nothing to do with pregnant 16 year olds.

But now, some media are focusing on hair do's as a big gossip item of the night. Specifically, Reese Witherspoon, Kristen Stewart and Chelsea Handler (pic above) who had "walk of shame" hair on their big night out.

For realz, TMZ.com?? I take issue with this for several reasons:

#1 - (and straight guys reading this, help me out here) I think all these ladies looked hot. Even Kristen, who I can't stand as a person.

#2 - What's so bad about walk of shame hair? Did these "experts" miss out on their college years? If you didn't have at least one walk of shame under your belt by the end of your freshman year, you were a failure at life.

#3 - All of these ladies being criticized are attached to a hot man. Reese is a new bride to manager Jim Toth. Kristen is dating Rob Pattinson (damn her!). And Chelsea Handler has her first non-rapper boyfriend in over a year.

You go, girls.

So perhaps their "walk of shame" hair is, in fact, due to pre-award show activities of the naughty variety. And if so, three cheers to them. Clearly the staff at TMZ aren't getting any themselves due to their celebrity-stalker lifestyles and, ergo, find it necessary to criticize those who do.

In LA, it's hard to do a walk of shame because you're always in your car. But, as schedules permit, I will proudly roll down my windows and shout my indiscretions to the world during my next drive of shame. Crazy hair, smeared makeup, hazy memories and all.

Can I get a high five to poor decisions?

"Man Down" Video Causes an Uproar

So Rihanna shoots a dude and everyone gets all bajiggidy about it.

That's the crux of the current uproar around Rihanna's new music video "Man Down". 

To add some context, the video begins with Rihanna shooting a man point blank on the street. However, we come to realize as the story continues that he raped her the day before outside of a club.

Heavy stuff.

Now watchdog groups are in a tizzy over the video, saying that it condones violence and aggression. Some genius even went as far as saying that there's a double standard because a similar video from Chris Brown would never be tolerated.

Let's not get crazy, y'all. Would Chris Brown ever put out a video depicting his rape and subsequent revenge? Highly unlikely.

Of course, if Brown had a song about busting a cap in a girl's a$$ just because she didn't like his ill dance moves, there would be a public uproar. But that's not the case here.

Maybe it's because I was a Women & Gender Studies major in college, but I get what Rihanna is saying. This pop princess is taking a step away from her "Pon de Replay" and "Please Don't Stop The Music" days to sing about a real issue that happens to hundreds - perhaps thousands - of women worldwide every day.

Rihanna isn't condoning an eye for an eye here. She's expressing the need for women to take control of a horrific situation - gaining power back when you thought you had none. Yes, she chose to shoot her attacker but it's just a music video. It's a safe, artistic place where one can express themselves in ways that they couldn't, or wouldn't, in real life.

What happened to using art as a creative outlet? Did the Parents Television Council forget that when they were lambasting Rihanna for her soulful single? Apparently so.

Sometimes I think these groups make public statements just for the sake of doing so. The Council screamed like the world was ending when Britney Spears' "I'm a Slave" video was released. It was "too sexually suggestive for young audiences."

Yes, Britney was in a hot, orgy-like situation throughout the video but she was also balancing a snake and changing her costume several times between scenes. If anything, they should have been applauding her for her ability to multitask instead of focusing so much on the group sex aspect of the video.

George Michael's "I Want Your Sex" video caused quite a stir back in the day as well. But guess what, guys? He's gay. So in actuality, I highly doubt he wanted that girl's sex. Fantasy at its best.

In the end, the Parents Television Council and all other watchdog groups out there need to find another hobby. Just because you put out press releases about "naughty" music videos doesn't mean your kids will actually listen to you. They'll keep buying mp3s on iTunes and watching videos online after you go to bed.

What, you have parental controls on your home computer? Guess what - your kids disabled it before you even figured out how to use the feature.

All parents can do is take their kids on regular trips to Disneyland and hope they turn out alright. But make sure they don't cry while in line for the Dumbo ride because I will stick out my foot and trip them. That's a promise.

Rihanna's music video is empowering and very moving. I applaud her for creating it and, politely, suggest that these watchdog groups take a xanax and move on.