Hef Defends His Manhood

Credit: TheNewsInn.com

Hef won't take this lying down.

In a pathetic excuse for attention interview with Howard Stern this week, Crystal Harris (Hugh Hefner's lackluster ex-fiance) challenged Hef's abilities in the sack when she so eloquently stated, "[It lasted] like, two seconds."

Spoiler alert: When you sleep with a man 60 years your senior, it may not be the best you've ever had.

In another shocking revelation, Harris told Stern that she simply wasn't turned on by Hugh. Color me surprised but how could she not be turned on by the alluring smell of prunes and Bengay?

Being the online mogul that he is, Hef took to Twitter to plead his case, saying that Crystal lied (probably not though) and he doesn't know why (because she's a fame whore). He also enlightened his Twitter followers by saying that after Harris broke off the engagement, he realized she probably didn't love him after all.

Clearly, these two deserve each other.

If she's truly in shock that her fiance/great grandfather lacked sex appeal, then the self-applied peroxide she uses is even more dangerous than I thought. And if Hef believed his Barbie-turned-hoebag ex ever saw him as anything other than an ATM machine, his kids should officially declare him legally incompetent.

But let's not miss the real point here. These two kids made a go at love and were burned in the end. Because...if the owner of Playboy and a pinup/aspiring-Britney-Spears-look-alike can't make it in this crazy world, who really can?

Oh wait. All of us.

Advice time: Crystal, go buy yourself a battery-operated Hef and stop complaining about his lack of pep in bed. And Hugh, since you already have two new girlfriends, methinks you're A-OK.

In other "shocking" Hollywood news this week, Jesse James and Kat Von D broke off their engagement, citing distance (and not hepatitis) as the reason why they couldn't make it.

I'll write more when I start to care. But I'm guessing that may be never.

OJ Simpson Part II: The Casey Anthony Edition

The SomeEcard to my left really says it all.

I've never been a huge CNN fan. And I really can't say I've ever watched a full episode of "Nancy Grace". But her post-trial comments on the Casey Anthony verdict really did hit the nail on the head:

"As the defense sits by and has their champagne toast after that 'not guilty' verdict, somewhere out there the devil is dancing tonight."

In several recent interviews, Anthony's attorney has lambasted the media for its scrutiny and condemnation of Casey "before the facts were even presented." Let's review some of the facts that caused such a media uproar:

• Baby Caylee was missing for over a month before anyone in her family reported her gone
• During that time, Casey was seen partying and getting a tattoo that read "Bella Vita" (beautiful life) - would her life have been as beautiful if she actually missed her daughter?
• Casey searched for chloroform on her computer - seems a lot more menacing than my "Justin Bieber" Google alerts
• Casey's own mother testified to something "smelling like death" in Casey's car, shortly after Caylee went missing
• Casey made up a nanny - named "Zanny" - as a person of interest. Not only did this person not exist, Casey's lack of creativity in naming the fake nanny is a crime in of itself

But her lawyer must be right...we're all just judgmental media whores.

Although her parents stood by throughout the trial, they silently left the courtroom without speaking to Casey after the not guilty verdict was read. Even they couldn't stand to smile in the face of a lie.

But I take solace in the fact that Casey will reap what she's sown. OJ Simpson thought he got away with murder and now he's serving life behind bars for a Vegas armed robbery. Smart.

We just celebrated the 4th of July and America's independence as a great nation. We're told from a young age that we have the best of everything - the best army (and we do), the best government, and the best justice system. But this verdict makes me question that last assertion.

I'll admit that the evidence was circumstantial. But sometimes circumstantial is all you need to know that 2 plus 2 equals "holy shit, this woman killed her daughter."

Call me crazy, but if my kid went missing for any length of time, I'd perhaps stop what I was doing to look around. Misplacing a kid isn't like losing a remote control. You can't just call up Time Warner, ask for a new one, and go clubbing while you wait for the replacement to arrive in the mail.

Unfortunately, Casey isn't the first murderer to go free and she won't be the last. But she will be one of the most abhorred women in America, if she isn't already.

It's a sad day in hell when you can say Britney Spears is not the worst mother out there. So congratulations, Britney. And Casey - I hope you become barren for the good of all mankind.