You Can Trap Me in the Closet Anytime

Courtesy: IFC

As long as it's R. Kelly-style!

Christmas came early today when I learned that R. Kelly has created not one but TWENTY new episodes of his infamous hip hopera, "Trapped In The Closet", set to debut on Black Friday (coincidence? I think not).

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this mid-2000's cultural phenomenon, here's the readers' digest version of episodes 1-22:

• Sylvester (R. Kelly) wakes up in a woman's bed, and it turns out it's not his wife
• The woman's husband (a pastor) comes home early, so Sylvester, naturally, hides in the closet with his Beretta
• After the pastor discovers Sylvester in the closet, he admits that he's been cheating too...with a man
• A police officer pulls Sylvester over as he's racing home from the drama. Turns out, the same police officer is sleeping with Sylvester's wife.
• Somehow in all of this, Sylvester's wife's brother, Twan, gets shot. But no one really cares.
• Later, we find the police officer's wife, Bridget, at home waiting patiently. But what's that in their kitchen cabinet? Bridget's secret lover, "Big Man". And to quote R. Kelly:

"Now, pause the movie, c‘ause what I'm about to say to y'all is so damn twisted—not only is there a man in his cabinet, but the man is a midget! Midget! Midget! Midget!"

And that only takes us through chapter 9 of 22, ladies and gentlemen. The plot gets thicker, and R. Kelly's ballads about grabbing his Beretta (metaphor, anyone?) only get better. 

So imagine my delight when I put on KROQ this morning and hear that the teaser for Chapter 23 was just released by IFC. Leave it to the studio who brought us Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11" to follow up with the hard-hitting plot lines of R&B's #1 urinater.

But clearly this news got me excited enough to return to the blogosphere to share my joy. For too long, I've had to settle for the intoxicated musings of "My Drunk Kitchen" to get me through the lonely nights, when really, I've been craving more of R. Kelly's lyrical genius. 

Who could forget the moving ending to chapter 4, where R. Kelly sings, "I pull back the cover. Oh, my God, a rubber!"

Have you ever been so moved? I don't remember feeling such forceful emotion since I realized Bambi's mother died. 

Thank you, R. Kelly, for renewing my faith in humanity. As we swim through the shitstorm of programs like "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" and "Honey Boo Boo Child", I can rest assured that the quality of entertainment will once again rise with the debut of "Trapped...Chapter 23".

God bless YouTube.