Hef Defends His Manhood

Credit: TheNewsInn.com

Hef won't take this lying down.

In a pathetic excuse for attention interview with Howard Stern this week, Crystal Harris (Hugh Hefner's lackluster ex-fiance) challenged Hef's abilities in the sack when she so eloquently stated, "[It lasted] like, two seconds."

Spoiler alert: When you sleep with a man 60 years your senior, it may not be the best you've ever had.

In another shocking revelation, Harris told Stern that she simply wasn't turned on by Hugh. Color me surprised but how could she not be turned on by the alluring smell of prunes and Bengay?

Being the online mogul that he is, Hef took to Twitter to plead his case, saying that Crystal lied (probably not though) and he doesn't know why (because she's a fame whore). He also enlightened his Twitter followers by saying that after Harris broke off the engagement, he realized she probably didn't love him after all.

Clearly, these two deserve each other.

If she's truly in shock that her fiance/great grandfather lacked sex appeal, then the self-applied peroxide she uses is even more dangerous than I thought. And if Hef believed his Barbie-turned-hoebag ex ever saw him as anything other than an ATM machine, his kids should officially declare him legally incompetent.

But let's not miss the real point here. These two kids made a go at love and were burned in the end. Because...if the owner of Playboy and a pinup/aspiring-Britney-Spears-look-alike can't make it in this crazy world, who really can?

Oh wait. All of us.

Advice time: Crystal, go buy yourself a battery-operated Hef and stop complaining about his lack of pep in bed. And Hugh, since you already have two new girlfriends, methinks you're A-OK.

In other "shocking" Hollywood news this week, Jesse James and Kat Von D broke off their engagement, citing distance (and not hepatitis) as the reason why they couldn't make it.

I'll write more when I start to care. But I'm guessing that may be never.