Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver's Marriage: Terminated



Credit: 1.bp.blogspot.com



OK well maybe not "terminated", but their separation after 25 years of marriage certainly doesn't look good.

Arnold and Maria released a statement asking for the compassion and respect from the media and public regarding their split. I'm sorry but when you marry "The Terminator", there's only so much respect one can hope for.

No one likes to see marriages break up (exception: ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds - thank goodness that one's over!) My heart does go out to their family and legions of bipartisan married couples who figured "Maria and Arnold can make their political differences work, so why can't we?"

Whoopsies on that one - never model your marriage after a guy who won Mr. Universe.

The TODAY show mentioned that Maria's life/career is in flux now that she's no longer California's First Lady. But while she's deciding her next move, Arnold has already signed on for three new movie projects including a geriatric version of the "Terminator", where his biomechanic frame will most likely be hobbling around on crutches for the majority of the film.

Unfortunately for Maria - because she is brilliant, beautiful, and a Kennedy - her stock has plummeted since she married Arnold. She's well-respected as a journalist, but I can't imagine a long line of eligble bachelors waiting to take her out for fondue after being married to Arnold for 25 years. Who can possibly follow that one, good or bad?

I feel so terribly about this that I decided to make a list of potential suitors for Maria to help her get back on her feet. They include:

• Donald Trump - Maria can clearly handle being married to a Republican and she would do wonders for his reputation. Not to mention the fact that she's the only one with balls big enough to snatch that disgusting toupee right off his head. Yes, he's married, but to a child so it's about time he finds an adult-sized wife for himself.
• Charlie Sheen - He's one goddess down and could definitely use a little Kennedy pick-me-up. With her media appeal and his tiger blood, they would be unstoppable.
• Lindsay Lohan - Technically, Maria doesn't play for Lindsay's team. But who doesn't like a little experimentation once in a while? And Lindsay is about to be sentenced to house arrest for 120 days so she has plenty of free time to court Maria like a lady.
• Al Gore - Do I even have to explain this one? He's single, she's single, and they'd make beautiful eco-friendly, feminist babies together. This is the best inconvenient truth they could ever ask for.

With a reputation as a womanizer, I have no recommendations for Arnold's dating life. Other than the fact that he should never return to politics and, instead, focus on remaking some of his Oscar-worthy classics like "Kindergarten Cop".

Hasta la vista.