Absent Due to Mourning...(Lindsay's Career)

La Dirt Dishing Dame has been gone for far too long. And I blame Lindsay Lohan.

Who can keep up with this girl? And, more importantly, who even wants to anymore. I can still tap into the memories of my friends and I gathering every Wednesday in our pink shirts sipping diet Sunkist martinis and watching Lindsay play the brilliantly portrayed Cady Heron in "Mean Girls".

So much promise for the future. I believe when Obama channeled hope in his Presidential campaign, he was thinking of Lindsay Lohan. (Democrats all over the world, please forgive the blasphemy).

Gone is the hope and with it, any semblance of a career for the redhead-turned-coke-fiend. After being released early from jail and a court-mandated rehab (mistake #1 and mistake #2), Lohan had a rather just set of probationary terms including - wait for it - sobriety.

But as last week's failed drug test showed, that stipulation proved to be a bit too much for our little thespian.

The world should blame Michael Lohan. What girl stands a chance at making it when her idiot father with an arrest record longer than her own takes to the pages of Us Weekly whenever Lindsay sets foot outside the house. She can't even make a funny, recorded bit with Chelsea Handler for the MTV Video Music Awards without Papa Lohan sending out his thankful prayers via Ryan Seacrest the next day, announcing to the world that Lindsay is back.

Well Michael, if by "Lindsay is back" you mean "Lindsay is due back in court", then you are absoLUTEly correct. Her next court date is set for October 22nd where a judge will determine her fate yet again.

Her options currently include being sent back to jail for the fourth time (this year), put under house arrest, committed to a rehab with better locks or opting to be adopted by the Jolie-Pitt family who seem to be doing much better with their child rearing than Michael and Dina Lohan.

Although if Lindsay gets adopted by the Jolie-Pitts before I do, I quit.

I wanted to send out some sage advice for Lindsay on how to turn her life around and reclaim the positive future that was once hers. But she has enough of that coming from such qualified professionals like Love Line's Dr. Drew and 24-year-old retired actress Amanda Bynes.

What Lindsay really needs is the truth. You're nothing these days if you don't have a reality show. So if you're going to do coke and fail drug tests, at least follow the trodden path of thousands before you and make sure it's televised.